Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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