My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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