New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
