First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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