I'm gonna have a badass scar
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
