the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
