I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
