Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
