white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
