My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize