I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
