I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
