A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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