My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
