Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I could fuck to npr.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
