Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
