I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
time to smoke my breakfast
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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