Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
