well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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