I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
