im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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