how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
