My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
