tonight lets celebrate not being married
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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