i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
