You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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