So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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