saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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