i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
