You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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