Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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