i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize