I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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