i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
