Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just found puke in my bra..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
