dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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