Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
