farters have to be the big spoon...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
