I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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