I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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