I must be too annoying 4 u.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
