we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't put those talents on a resume
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
