The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
