In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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