we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
