thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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