A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
