The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
