Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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