i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize