Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
