I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
