When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
