Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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