My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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