Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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